Gears of Fail
by Deadmanshand95
Summary: The day to day fails of Delta squad, My OCs, and the Locust Horde. Everything you don't see in  the games.
1. Chapter 1

**Me: Attention, my legions of fans...**

**Ranger: Yeah, right. What legion? **

**Me: They're all, uh... Ninjas. Anyway, first of all, no, I am not dead. I am alive and well, thank you. 2, I have returned from my computer breakdown. Hopefully, I have returned for good. To commemorate my return to fanfiction writing, I am starting a new story, a comedy, while I focus on finishing my other Gears of War Fanfic, as well as start my Super Smash Brothers brawl fic.**

**Ranger: I have a bad feeling about this...**

**Me: Ranger, Disclaimer!**

**Ranger: I don't get paid enough to do this. The writer does not own Gears of War. Period.**

* * *

Ranger looked around a corner, then waved his comrades out. Locust Dom and Marcus both rushed up to a door and took cover on either side of the door.

"Alright, lets review the plan one last time." Ranger said, joining them. "I kick the door open and open fire. Then, Marcus, you..."

"Rush in, get the files, get out. We got it. Lets do this." He ordered. Ranger nodded and kicked open the door. Ranger then shut the door as shrieks of terror erupted from the room.

"Okay, that was a locker room." Ranger said, sweat-dropping.

"So, this Locust base has a locker room?" Marcus asked.

"this is not a locust base. Those girls were human." Ranger said. "Alright, who has the map?" he asked. Locust Dom raised his hand.

"I followed the directions correctly, I'm sure of it." He said, pulling out the map.

"Gimme that!" Ranger growled. He then scanned it over a few times before coming to a conclusion.

"This map is upside down." He announced. Dom looked at it over Ranger's shoulder.

"Huh. So it is."

"You dumbass!." Marcus growled. "Maybe all Locust are bad with directions." he added.

"Wait. If we're not at a Locust base, then where are we?" Dom asked. Ranger looked a the map again.

"We're at Holly's high school." Ranger said as the female in question came out of he locker room, fully dressed and incredibly pissed. All three men sweat-dropped.

"You're not mad, are ya?" Marcus asked weakly, praying he had not earned the female's anger. Holly's claws popped out.

"Run." she hissed. All the men were happy to comply, heading for the hills and beyond. FAR Beyond. Holly smiled contently, put her claws away and went back in the locker room, muttering "Idiots."

The next day, they tried again. But...

"Dammit, Dom! This is a nursing home!"

Well, You should be able to figure it out.

* * *

**Me: And so marks my return to fanfiction! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Evil thunder)**

**Ranger: I have a really bad feeling about this now...**


	2. Chapter Carmine 1

**Me: Hello people of planet Earth and beyond. I have returned to you with another heaping helping of fail! This time, we explore the daily life of B. Carmine, one chapter at a time. Enjoy**

* * *

_Beep Beep Beep!_

_Slap!_

_Crunch!_

"Oops..." B. Carmine looked at the broken remains of his alarm clock, sighing. He shrugged it off. "Oh, well." He got up, got dressed, and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. There, he was greeted by his worst enemy...

…...The toaster.

"Ah, hello, my old enemy. Ready to do battle once more?" Carmine asked, grabbing the toaster. The Toaster was one of those old, press down handle, wait for toast to pop up sorta deals. It had a tendency to fire toast missiles into Carmine's face. The toaster was currently broken, as some toast had gotten stuck in it. Carmine grabbed the toaster and smiled at it. Today's tactic: Gentle Persuasion.

He began banging the toaster against the edge of the table.

Yup. _Gentle _Persuasion.

"Die you useless piece of shit!" Carmine yelled, abusing the toaster to no end. This action obviously, angered the toaster gods. The toast, previously jammed in the toaster, came flying out like a missile, right into Carmine's face.

"MY EYES!" He roared, wrestling with the toast now plastered on his face. He went on a rampage, trying desperately to remove the toast from his face. He eventually won the war with the toast, ripping the burn pieces of bread off his face and throwing them in the trashcan. But, like every war, there were civilian casualties. Two cups, five spoons, 4 forks, a Microwave, a coffee Machine and 12 china plates were lost,now lying broken on the battlefield (Kitchen floor)

"Oops..." Carmine said, sweat-dropping.

This would be the one war story he would NOT tell the rest of Delta.

* * *

**And so ends the first Chapter Carmine. But, worry not. We will explore more of the life of B. Carmine later. Until then, adios and R&R!**


	3. Just Another Day

Two gears, Joe and Bill, are taking refuge from the fight in an old abandon apartment. The place seems mostly intact. Mostly...

Joe walks in and throws his lancer on the couch, then heads for the fridge for a beer. Bill, on the other hand, goes looking for the toilet.

"Damn it, where is it!" he shouts, desperately running from room looking for the porcelain throne. He runs into every room in the house, each room not being a bathroom. Eventually, only one door remains.

"It must be in here." He muttered, then opened the door...

…...and almost fell 3 stories to his demise.

He stares at the empty space in front of him, staring at a body covered street.

"What the hell?" He yells, slamming the door. Bill sips his beer, getting an idea.

"Dude, go find a bowl. I got an idea." he said, getting up.

"Why?" Joe asked.

"Just do it." Bill responds, heading to the kitchen with Joe. Joe dives through the cabinets before finally obtaining a bowl.

"Got one." Joe said. Bill nodded.

"Alright, now, pee in the bowl." Bill said.

"Why?" Joe asked, confused.

"Just do it."

Joe nodded, and ran off into another room. He comes back with a full bowl of urine. Bill took it and stared at it.

"Damn, you DID have to pee." He muttered. "When is the last time you've went to the bathroom."

"When did the battle start?" Joe answered. Bill thought.

"When DID the battle start?" Bill asked.

"When did I last go to the bathroom?" Joe answered.

"Like, a week ago." Bill said.

"that's when the battle started."

"Ah." Bill said, nodding. He then put the urine in the microwave.

"Dude, you're not going to..."

"Oh yes I am."

"No, you are not."

"Yes I am." Bill said, setting the timer for 59 seconds. He then started the microwave. Joe was hiding under a table with a pot over his head.

"Dude, whats with the pot?" Bill asked, joining him under the table.

"Protection."

"Ah..."

5,

4,

3,

2,

1,

_BEEP!_

Everything was quiet for a moment, Joe stood up, pot still on his head

"no explosion?" He asked.

"Obviously not."

"Sweet." Joe said. He then went up to the microwave and tried to open it, but instead set it for 1 second.

1,

_BOOM!_

The explosion was deafening. Joe covered his eyes with his arms, shielding himself from the blast. Joe, however, was not so lucky. After the smoke and (Rather smelly) Vapor cleared, he looked around for Joe. Alas, all he found was...

"His thumb?" Bill asked, picking up the finger in question. He shrugged and threw it away.

"Well, better go tell Hoffman. If he believed the last one, He'll definitely believe this one." Bill said, walking down the hall, heading for the door...

_CRASH!_

_SPLAT!_

"Dammit, not again!" A fat, and I mean fat, Locust had crashed through the ceiling and landed on Bill.

"Rem, Not again." A Kantus looking through the giant hole sighed

"Not a word, Ken. Not a word." Rem muttered to Ken. Ken giggled.

"Of course not." she said, walking off. Rem got off Bill and began to walk toward the door. But, the floorboards again gave out and she felt down three stories, Screaming curses the whole way down.

And what became of Bill, you ask?

Well, when a rescue squad was dispatched for the two. All they found was...

"Sir, I found a thumb!"

END!

* * *

**Well, that about wraps things up. For now, anyway. Oh, and before I forget, I do NOT own Gears of War. Rem and Ken belong to animelover inf, toasters hate Carmine... yup, that 'bout wraps it up.  
**

**R&R**


	4. Fail Times 2

It was an average day of combat for the Gears. Bullets. Bodies. Maybe some booze afterward... anyway, for now, we focus on two Gears on perimeter patrol... sorta...

"Ah, man, these nachos are awesome!" One of them, Ed, said.

"I'll say!" the other, George, agreed, munching on some nachos as he said so. They were sitting on the ground, sharing a bowl of nachos George had found just randomly sitting. It seemed a bit suspicious at first, but nachos are nachos.

"hey, George, shouldn't we be watching for Locusts?" Ed asked after a moment of silence between them.

"Nah. All the fighting is miles away. Why would they come here?" George reasoned, still eating nachos.

"Eh, you got a point." Ed said. As they were talking, a squad of Locust walked right by them, not bothering to be stealthy. After the Locusts left, George looked up for his nachos.

"What was that?" He asked, looking around. Ed shrugged.

"Probably nothing." Ed said, going back to his nachos. George looked around for a moment before doing the same. Everything was peacefully for a few moments, until Ed fell face first into the nachos, a bullet in the back of his head..

"DAMMIT, ED! Don't be such a pig! There's enough for both of us!" George yelled at him. "Oh, and go ahead and bleed on them, too! Yeah, that's cool! Fine, have them, I'm leaving!" George said, getting up and storming off.

Needless to say, Ed did not follow.

* * *

B. Carmine looked at the calender in horror. It was that day of the week again.

Laundry day.

Carmine's eye twitched. But, he put on a strong face. He walked into the laundry room to be greeted with everyone's dirty laundry for the week. From Cole's bloodstained, KFC-filled shirts to Marcus's thousands of bandannas.

Carmine approached his mortal enemy, the washer, with caution. Who knew when it might strike. He then proceeded to load as much laundry in the washer as he could. After he loaded the laundry, detergent, and fabric softener, He leaned against the washer and smiled in triumph.

"This is easy... AHHHHHHHH!" He screamed as he fell in the washer. Seconds after that, the lid closed and locked, and washer turned on, all in the same instance.

"Shit..." Carmine muttered as the washer spun hm around like crazy, his screams echoing around the house.

"Not again, Carmine." Marcus muttered. After the 30 minute wash cycle finished, Carmine blasted out of the washer, gasping for air. He looked up to see the rest of Delta watching him, smiling.

"Guess who doesn't need a bath tonight?" Baird teased.

"Shut up, Baird." Carmine muttered, walking off to go take a nice nap...

After all, tonight was his turn to wash the dishes.

* * *

**This is far from my best work. I've been away for way too long. About my absence, I have been experiencing a lot of computer problems. I only just recently got one of my computers working. This update proves I am not dead. Hopefully, this computer will last longer than the rest.**

**Hopefully, if the gods are shining on me, I should update AT LEAST once a month, maybe more often.**

**So, until next time, Peace!**


	5. Deep Fried Fail

Cole ran about, looking desperately for something. Something of great of value.

"Come on, baby! It's gotta be here!" Cole yelled, ripping through locusts as if they were nothing. The Locusts, at some point, gave trying to stop him and just let him through. And there it was.

A KFC.

He barreled toward it, running anything in his path over. A few moments later, he was there. He began throwing rubble around like toothpicks, looking for his baby... his fix...

There it was.

A bucket of KFC original recipe chicken.

He reached for it slowly, savoring the moment.

Two hands touch it at the exact same time.

Cole looks to his left to see a decently tall locust, looking like a smaller version of Scorge, with his scaly hands on Cole's KFC.

This could not stand.

"Mine." Cole said. The locust growled.

"Mine." Cole said again.

"No, Mine." the locust said. Cole growled.

"Well..."

"Scorn." the locust introduced.

"Well, Scorn, there's only one way to settle this." Cole said menacingly.

"I agree." The two sat down at a half destroyed table and stared each other intensely in the eye. If looks could kill, then neither of them would be standing right now.

"Ready?" Scorn growled.

"Bring it, Baby!" Cole said, growling. Both brought their elbows crashing down to the table, causing it to crumble a bit more. They locked hands.

"On the count of three." Scorn said. "One, two three!"

And so the greatest struggle in history began.

The arm wrestling contest.

Neither could seem to get an advantage. They were deadlocked, staring menacingly at one another.

Time passed, with neither budging, neither talking, both growling.

"What you two doing?" a sweet, yet evil little sing-song voice chirped. Cole turned slightly. Bloodshot eyes met with two ruby orbs, blinking innocently.

"Holly, what do you want?" Scorn asked, recognizing the voice of his longtime nemesis.

"Oh, just wanted to see what you boys were up to." she said cheerfully. Scorn scoffed.

"Knowing you, I doubt that." Scorn muttered, returning his focus to the task at hand.

Holly shrugged. "Well, I'll see you boys later." She said. With a wink, she scampered off.

And so the struggle continued.

After 4 hours, a victor was crowned.

"Yeah, Baby! The Cole Train just ran you over!" Cole cheered. Scorn hung his head in defeat.

"Very well. It is yours." Scorn said. Cole went to claim his prize.

It wasn't there.

"WHAT!" both yelled, eyes twitching.

"But who...?" Scorn muttered, his tiny brain rocketing around in his brain. Then, it hit just the right place.

"That little bitch..."

* * *

**With Holly and Ranger**

Ranger pumps the gas petal, not wishing to stay in Locust territory for too long. Linkin Park's 'Thousand Suns' album blasted from the speakers. He smiled contently, having his favorite album.

"Want some?" Holly asked from the passenger seat, holding a chicken leg in his face. Ranger took a bite.

"Mmm. Delicious!" Ranger commented, letting himself relax a bit as he crossed back into COG territory. "By the way, where did you get that?"

Holly blinked at the question. "Well, I... Hey, what's that in the rear view mirror?" She asked, looking at something in the rear view mirror. Ranger looked as well.

There was Scorn and Cole, running faster than sanely possible, after their car. Ranger's eyes went small and glassy. Even his spiky red hair dulled a bit. Holly's ruby red orbs did the same, and her raven colored hair dulled a bit as well.

"DRIVE!" Holly yelled. Ranger put the petal to the metal, not stopping for anything.

The moral of this story? I'll let you figure that out...

* * *

**Well, that 'bout wraps it up here. Just a few things to announce.**

** a few weeks after March 1st, there will be NO updates, most likely. The First Strike Map Pack for Black Ops comes out on March 1st. I already have the points for it, and will probably be playing it religiously for that time.**

** Scorn belongs to Animelover inf. I highly recommend reading her stuff. If you like my humor, you'll like hers.**

** I am back! I'll probably churn a few of these out per night, and spread out the posting of them. I don't know. I'll figure something out.**

**Until next time, R&R.**

**Peace**


	6. Da failage!

A gear and a Locust stare one another down from opposites side of a cratered no-man's land. The gear has a cowboy hat, 5 o'clock shadow, and two revolvers in his hands. The locust had a black long leather coat on and a Lancer it's hand.

"Well, looks like it's just me an' you." The human, named Ethan, said.

"So it seems." the Locust said with a female voice.

"Wait, you're a girl?" Ethan asked. The locust growled.

"Yes. My name is Angel. Now..." Angel was cut off by Ethan holding a laugh. "What's so damn funny?"

"You look like a dude!" Ethan explained, now laughing. Angel's eyes twitched.

"Yes, I'm aware of my manly appearance. But can we..." She cut off by another uproarious laugh by Ethan.

"Looks like we found out where all of James' masculinity went, eh?" Ethan teased, causing Angel to close her eyes and let out a deep breath.

"Apes. I'm surrounded by apes." She muttered. James then came running out, dressed in Jill's _Resident Evil _costume

"Not funny!" He yelled, sounding just as girly. This caused Ethan to bust to gut, on all fours on the ground, laughing. "Hey, don't laugh at me! I'm as much of a man as could be.

"Then what's with the makeup, huh?" Ethan asked between howls of laughter. James growled.

"It's stage makeup! I'm preparing for a play, thank you!" James countered. Angel looked at him curiously.

"It's a Resident Evil play." James explained, hoping that would explain his appearance.

"Ah." Angel thought. "What part did you get?" she asked. James smiled.

"I got Jill. The producers said I was just girly enough for the part, as well as just as muscled for the part as well." James boasted. This caused Ethan to laugh even harder.

"You got a girls part!" He yowled, on the ground, laughing so hard he might cry. Angel …...ed

"Are you okay?" She asked Ethan.

"I'm just..." BOOM! Ethan blew up into thousands of bitty pieces, raining down on Angel's and Jame's heads. Angel just took it, while James hissed as blood messed up all his makeup.

"What happened to him?" James asked, wiping the blood off his face. Angel thought for a minute.

"I think he laughed so much, he exploded." Angel deduced. James shrugged and went back to his play.

* * *

Meanwhile, Rem and Squad were spending a relaxing, carefree, James-free day. Ken was counting all her failed school grades, Rem was counting how many times she and Ranger fought, and Scorn was counting his brain cells, all of which were easy endeavors. Then, a thumb flew through the window and dug itself into Scorn's head.

"there goes a few more." Scorn said, plucking the thumb out of his head. Ken giggled.

"Poor Scorn. He can't afford to get any dumber." she mused. "What is that, anyway?"

"A human thumb." Scorn said. Rem burped.

"Look, I'd rather not get dragged into some shit, especially today. Just throw it back where it came from." Rem said. Scorn nodded and flung it hard out the window.

* * *

Meanwhile, a random gear was on Perimeter patrol, eager to end it as quickly as possible.

"I told the sarge there was nothing..." He stopped suddenly and fell over...

…... a thumb lodged in the back of his throat.

* * *

**TA DA! I DID SOMETHING! (applause.)**

**I figured I might as well give you guys something before First Strike comes out. I might update one more time before I go dark for a while.**

**I'd also like to add I have two awesome reviewers. Animelover inf, a good friend of mine and my muse for anything Gears of War, Dead Space, and fail, and Yori-Sama, who is just as crazy about Black Ops as I am. Thank you both for being some awesome!**

**Now, back to the Man cave! (Epic music plays as I run off.)**

**R&R**


End file.
